A Week of False Starts

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> I got a huge backlog of one or two sentence introductions to this issue of the St. John’s but none with even a hope of kick-starting my new MuseCycle 900.

> -Everything fromRaindeer Drug Raids, TheAIDS of Jesus(Look, I couldn’t even dream up that stuff!) I even over heard the phrase "I’m getting a degree ‘cause I’m not no douchbag" come out of the TV! But nothing worked.

> – Help. I need Wisdom, Inspiration, Continuity, Keen Emotions, Dialog, Compassion. I need my muse, queen of the seven chakras and nine tantras: W.I.C.K.E.D. Compassion.

You see, Tommy convinced me that I had so many projects that I needed to get a replacement for the old-school goddess muse and get a model that pumps out greeting cards, facebook wall comments, ad copy for rent-a-used-fencepost business (that last is a trendy business on the Malibu of St. John’s. — There is a ready made library of twigs, sticks and branches in Baltimore Wood). It just seemed to make business sense. Tommy said he had connections with an overseas supplier.

soto says: Lets start a community library of tools from old construction projects. People can check out drills, saws and stuff!

voce says: So how is that different than what we gotalready?

The MuseCycle 900 was a mess to put together, and the parts and packing are scattered around my mind. I got most of the steps completed and finally got around to reading the instructions. It said: “Attention: requires operation by authentic classic goddess muse.”

Tommy had scammed me! Can you believe it? Scammed by my own comic creation? I know it’s impossible, but there is simply no other explanation. When the muse don’t sing, ALL explanations work. So believe me.

I rushed over to Tommy, OR, and knocked. Tommy was hiding in the back. He does that sometimes, in case it’s a bible salesman or old girl friend. I thought: "Tommy, you simpleton, you have no idea who you are dealing with, I’m the fucking AUTHOR!"

So I unleashed my signature ninja move, the hallowedTag:roar:Roar of the Lion}}}: “Southwick, open the door. Now. Where’s Tommy! What’s he done to my muse! Where is Wickie?”

Southwick opened the door, and I went out back where Tommy was painting racing stripes on a caterpillar tractor.

Me: “OK, Tommy, bust loose with the truth, buddy. I’m the author. So help me, I’ll start writing you in the style of Faulkner! You will only be a hollow object of pity. The scum of mythology.”

Tommy replied: “Oh, no, not that… OK, well you and I thought it would be a good idea to juice up the voltage on the writing thing, and you got all that tree-hugger organic muse fodder and everything.”

Me: “Muse Fodder! You cant talk aboutWicked Compassionthat way! A muse is a delicate and sophisticated deity of perfection — able to distill reality into wisdom”

Tommy replied: “Don’t let no muse fool you: They all want one thing. Anyway, I got her here. She’s no use to me, she doesn’t write porn.”

Me: “Tommy, if she is going to write porn, she ain’t gonna do it for you, buddy. No more mucking with my muse again”

–“Not so fast, bub, I’ll make Tommy a porn star if I want to. Look at him there, he’s balancing a beer on his pects, no, let’s make it an outboard motor. Yup, a much funnier image than reality.”

Me - “Oh, Wickie, where you been, I’m missing you so much…”

voce says: Did he just call her ‘Wickie’?!
soto says: Just imagine whatshecalls him!

Wickie - “Well, you could stop chasing me! I’ll come out when I feel safe and want to have a fun time. And more Talking Heads, and Van Morrison, too.”

Me - “I’ve got a MuseCycle 900!”

Wickie - “That cheap ass thing, I’ll bet Tommy got it from one of those Chinese Hi-tech sites where he gets his "prescriptions". Watch out for that stuff!

– If you are a real author, you’ll get me the MuseCycle 902. It’s got the GB Shaw option. Or would you like Two Weeks of False Starts?”

that's all--