King St. John's Jim

The street people are coming back! Sandy, the winner of the Oregon Filth Flee Range Delerium Tremens for three years running is back and bubbling with new stories and news from the street.

I had mentioned to Sandy that I was sorry to miss theRose City Rollers at the Roller Derby. The thought of young angry women beating each other up and roller skating over an opponent’s fingers felt more civilized than basketball, somehow.

Sandy said: “Wha, oh… You aint seen nothing… Uh. Mmmm. where am I? Oh, yeah… Lemme think — Oh, Hooker Derby. Over at Pier Park. Skateboards and Wheelchairs. Gran Prix… Maybe. Something like that. Gimmme a buck. God Bless you…” as he lurched off, he turned and shouted: “Mobility devices too.”

Actually, Sandy said something that sounded like “O Per Pak. Sk’boards n Whulchs. Great Pee” — I took that to mean “over at Pier Park. Skateboards and wheelchairs. Grand Prix” I think the Grand Prix is right, but since Sandy wet himself at that moment, I could be wrong. Sandy rarely speaks English anymore since he has been to “other realms,” you might say.

I immediately thought of Southwick. He had helped me with the “Tag:wheelwho:hookers on wheels}}}” report of last fall detailing the use of Centrally Dispatched Hookers on Wheelchairs. You know,quality controlprocedures for prostitutes.

Southwick lives over at 3 Gunas Lp, which is right next to beautiful Pier Park, so he was the logical one to ask. He immediately set up a 24 hour wheel washing and lube business over at the skateboard park there. He says that about 3AM each morning, after the bars close, the hookers chase the johns over to Pier Park: a key meeting area for johns and hookers to have their “dates."

After the date, the hookers get together, swap stories, and lasoo the friskier johns into naked chases around the rink. The lead hooker sets the pace by running away with the john’s clothes who then chases her. All the other girls are then free to give chase. The only rule seems to be that the selected john is allowed to stand, run or walk. Everybody else must be on a skateboard or mobility device.

Round and round they go, with the john avoiding getting his feet run over, and the girls vying for the next “date” with the john, who really only wants his clothes back. Points are awarded for spin-outs, flips, lap lock, viagra failure, and “upsells.”

The current winner is none other than our old heroin powered streetwalker “Full Frontal Throntle.” Southwick was able to get her slurred statement after the chase — “So I got the guys clothes as well as giving him the orgasm that turned his scrotum inside out. I gave him something to remember that’s both good and bad. They like that. It’s what keeps them coming back.” Then she yelled: “It’s what I do best.”

The contest went on until the girls’ cell phones had multiple text messages about the passing of Liz Taylor. They all stopped, came together and sobbed and hugged each other. Southwick, being as diplomatic as ever, mentioned that she will always be remembered as a successful actress.

One of the girls said: “You don’t understand. There is only one Liz. When we lose her, we lose our guiding light, our Einstein, our Beethoven, our Madonna. Ultra chic, sexy, seductive, rich, compassionate and totally in control of the dynamic. everything we admire. she was the Cleopatra that seduced Cinema Caesars. It doesn’t matter if she did anything but make a model for Paris Hilton and us girls to follow.”

Throntle yelled: “It’s what I do best!”

Southwick said something about the money involved in prostitution. Throntle kind of sighed and said: “She was the best at the upsell, wasn’t she?”

> Thanks go to Southwick for this perceptive report. As for me, I’m glad the ordeal in Japan is over. The evening news today says it is so:Elizabeth Taylor is dead. That means we can forget about Japan and Lybia or Libya or Dubya or whatever was troubling us.

> Actually the ordeal of the tsunami that took out Fukushima’s nuclear reactors isn’t really over, but..

> That is the way we humans are wired. If you stress us long enough, we forget it is stress, and just accept it. One more earthquake, one more war, one more nuclear event. Always more.

But Liz. What she did in her act of passage serves as a reminder of how quickly we jump from breaking news item to news item to forget. Hopefully we will forget for just a day.

Japan, Libya, Iran, Iraq, Exxon, Libya and Dubya are all still out there. And more.