The Tropic of Oregon

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Hi,FriendGood news: the hurricane of women over at 3 Gunas Lp may be over. That’s what Southwick mentioned to me this morning at the James John Cafe. Seems that Tommy gave one of the ladies a ride on his motorcycle. She burned her ankle on the exhaust pipe. Tommy was very upset: her skin left an imprint on the chrome and he wants her to pay for the re-plating.

  • One of my readers is an ex Shock Jock from Southern California. He sings "Paint it Black" on Girl Scout road trips. He favorably compared my writing to toilet paper: You can start on any sheet you want. Thanks! Ahhhh,Friend, I’m a sucker for compliments.

  • I sometimes miss Honolulu. (As Roger from Gunas Lp might say: "Ya think?") The weather, acceptance and aloha of the Islands are still vivid in my mind. You can imagine my surprise when I found there is club that has a chain of resorts called the Tropic of Oregon.

Membership is very selective and it involves a yearly check up by a proctologist to make sure you’re not an asshole. Once inside, the weather changes remarkably, warm and inviting – balmy scents in the air. Lots and lots of aloha shirts. The members are very giving of their time, energy and expertise. A very industrious bunch dedicating their lives to increase their animal magnetism using the fabled chinese medicine, green elephant horn. This elephant has been decimated in it’s natural habitat with laws passed against owning, poaching, use or transportation. Still, zoos in the tropics are granted special dispensation, and so, the ‘Tropic of Oregon’ society was created to satisfy the legalities of owning, raising and using at protected zoo-resorts. The Tropic of Oregon is dedicated to preserving, breeding, training, and all uses of the Green Elephant.

I spoke with the local representative, Ho Tai, while sipping kambucha and worm-tea (note to self: read the label next time). He shared secrets of the occident coupled with tropical wisdom that has been suppressed for decades. It seems that at one time elephants were legal and roamed freely in the US until the Great Depression; the beef market was nearing collapse. Viciously suppressed by congress in the intervening decades, the green elephant, once on the verge of extinction, is making a comeback. Tropic societies are forming in several states to assist this transformation. Ho Tai says "The benefits of proper management of Green Elephant horn stagger the imagination but will benefit the nation. Like sex, the Green Elephant is here to stay."

  • Spiders: Autumn in Portland is filled with harvest festival activity: SpiderFest 2010 is running through the end of the month. Bamboo Willy is currently the "catch-em-wrap-em" champ. You can see him in his (her?) massive web in the bamboo patch at the corner ofSmith and Chicago

The spiders are making for very interesting research. I’m finding that the aerial mammals that spin webs are the Arachno Dillo and the Arachno Ursus. This is courting season, and they abandon their reclusive ways for only a few weeks in October. I’ll keep you posted.

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