King St. John's Jim

Friend, Stop The Presses!

Big Rain! Now! Portland!

Well, that’s nothing to stop the presses about; except if theriver risesand really stops the presses. That’s happened before in Portland, you know. We havelost whole townsto the raging rivers here. (It’s the Katrina of the 1940’s – The President wanted to suppress the “Vanport Sound” which was considered subversive. President Latrine said: “We never figured that the river might rise!” Vanport CouverLand, a musician at the time, said: “He don’t care about worker-folk”)

Thankfully, this December we are only leaking in our basements, and not losing whole towns. That is, if you can be thankful for a leaky basement. (Hosannas! We have leaky Basements!)

Friend, the tale-spinners over at Slim’s Storybook Theatre tell of economic water torture! Some of the over 70 set use diapers on their basements, and just live with it. Others, with real basements have sump pumps or even indoor swimming. Some have real problems with the basement walls, up to and including the dreaded Jericho Syndrome. A cave-in could spoil your whole happy hour.

Over on St. John’s Malibu, the bluff on our side of the Willamette, the problem is foundations. Some resort to pilings, some have french drains, and some might just go sliding into the river. Could be a new sport. House rafting.

Let’s join the Three Wise Men over at 3 Gunas Loop

Roger, the PhD in preventative maintenance, said: “Water. It can attack your foundations. It’s persistent. When you live in Portland, you want to keep looking at your most basic things. Foundation, Roof, Walls.”

Tommy the mouthpiece, had a slightly different view. “Ah, screw it. My house is insured and I’d love to collect.”

Southwick, always looking out for himself, said: “If the house goes kaput, you might get your money, but all three of us lose the house, and we’ll be out in the rain.”

Tommy and Roger both have fall back plans in case the house caves in.

Roger says, “No biggy, I’m off to Florence.” Roger has a winter chalet on the Oregon Coast where he can go sand-dune surfing to his heart’s content.

Tommy says: “I’ll just open more bed-and-breakfast suites at the local storage locker-plex near the food carts. See, Southwick, you are always just thinking of yourself.”

soto says: Even Heroin Hookers have ideas of romance

voce says: “Tommy is so sweet.”

Roger says: “No sweat, Southwick, if you don’t have a backup plan, reality will provide one for you.”

Southwick says: “Right! Sandy is St. John’s franchisee for Ulysses’ 4 Hour Begging Week. I’m off to the Hope for Health to see how that works.”

voce says: Ha, 120 hour mo’ betta’!

soto says: Simple Southwick! LOLZ.

An amazing thing happened. The rain stopped for 3 days and 3 nights (in Portland during the winter, that’sBiblical!) and Southwick sent out a Ladybug and it returned with mud on its feet. Or maybe another Ladybug completely. They all look alike, and they don’t seem to know their own names.)

Southwick took that as a sign — “Tommy, the basement’s still wet. Maybe you better check that leaky plumbing.”

Tommy replied: “Ummm. Yeah. Insurance won’t pay for that.”

Roger said: “Yeah, simple things, just below the surface. Fix ‘em first. Check ‘em always.”

Southwick chimed in with Roger’s signature line: “Ya think?”

And then he added, cryptically: “As above, so below”