Dateline: St. John's! Breaking News!

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It is a spring day in St. John’s - Dehydration for everybody! No matter where you are in St. Johns, You can’t see all of the glorious bridge! Slim’s has run out of Pabst again! Dog fights at Cathedral Park! Kinks songs still not playing at the James John Cafe.

On a more cheerful note: The food and atmosphere at the James John Cafe are among the highest pleasures attainable in mortal lifetime. Unless they have the dog playing the harmonica again. Just the one on the harmonica, the other ones are A-OK.

First Page: Throntle!

In other news: Famed St. John’s hooker Throntle-Dontle was found overdosed in the Starbucks bathroom. Evidentally, the founder of “BlowJobs-R-US” finished her roster of johns for the day and took a heroin break of amazing proportions. In her recent memoirs, “Under the Bridge” she says: “If I could have afforded a lethal dose of the really good stuff, I’d do it. It’s that good.” This time, it took only five minutes for the Paramedics to bring her around, and she is now back on the job. Looks like you failed this time, Throntle, but keep trying.

Tweeker’s Report Ghosts!

Ghosts of toys at Grammie and Nonnas wander aimlessly in the shop at 3AM. Sometimes they get out and wake the tweekers across the street.

Tommy’s Hobby

Industrial Waste Magnate Tommy, Mayor of Tommy, OR, had the afternoon off and was seen peeling rubber in various residential sections off near 5-points. Tommy stopped for a brief interview with our roving reporter Leo: “I get my afternoons off: It’s UNION rules: nobody works after 2PM in Portland in the summer. And now I got time to check in on my 5 ex-girlfriends: I know they really still want me, and I can prove it.”

Thanks for the update, Leo. How’s the sex wrestling thing coming along? – “HuuuAA! My partner, Station tells me we should hit profitability next quarter! Sex wrestling is going bananas! Yes, we are having our “banana cup” matches this weekend! I’ll give you a URL to the backstage VIP section.”

Thanks, Leo, I’ll pass on that one, but good luck on getting profitable. That’s the secret between a business failure and a business success: profit.

There were twenty-five business startups this year, and two that have survived. Wayne’s Barbershop is still in business. Wayne, nearing 135, is moving slower after the funeral for his fifth wife, but he still opens his shop every day. Nothing seems to stop Wayne.

Sadly, the Hope for Health bar lost it’s long time puking champion, Sandy, this winter. The dumpster that Sandy was sleeping in was emptied and taken to the garbage emporium before Sandy woke up out of his stupor. Sandy was last seen on a garbage scow headed down the Columbia. Bon Voyage, Sandy! Somebody threw away enough unopened boxes of “lil moonmaid cream wafers” to keep you alive for months, you lucky guy.

St. John’s girls are turning into young ladies and turn into young mommies, but still don’t know if their guy is all right. He ain’t and won’t be for years, if ever. Deal with it.

St. John’s guys are going crazy trying to figure what it is that women want. Same thing you want. The Good Life. Deal with it.

It’s like that in St. John’s. Everyday.

This is your reporter, St. John’s Jim. Now, I’m gonna turn the stereo way up high and live in a rock and roll fantasy.

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