King St. John's Jim

I saw Southwick walking over The Bridge into St. John’s early this AM. He was covered with spider webs. Last time I saw him come into St. John’s in the pre-dawn hours, he had been worked over by the cops.

Me: “Southwick, buddy, are you all right?”

Southwick: “Life is fabulous! She’s OK! You should see the ranch she has. And the view? It’s incredible.”

Me: “What? View? Who?”

S: “The view of The Bridge, dummy, or have you been spending too much time inspecting chicken top-knots?”

Me: “Yes, of course, The St. John’s Bridge. You mean you really got to see it? ALL of it?”

S: “Yup. It’s great. And at night? Wow. The only problem is that the perfect view is about 400 feet up some big ass evergreen tree. And her tree-top fortress is guarded by freaky spider things that she’s trained like dogs.

Me: “She? Who? Are you talking aboutthe cougar?!? Your insane attempt at pirate eco-socio-cology, what ever the hell that is.”

S: “Yeah. She had me snagged a couple of days ago under The Bridge at Cathedral Park. Hoisted me up in some spider web bag by her bear-spinner pets and almost slammed me into one of the bridge girders. Scary.

They dragged me up the side of the hill and high up some humongous tree. The view is incredible, the air is sweet. She even has electricity. Everything is totally off the grid. And she’s got her treetop ranch tended by all these spider things.

Me: “Slow down. What ranch? You mean she lives at the top of a tree in Forest Park?”

S: “Her ranch of green elephants: She raises ‘em up in the treetops. She’s got her place certified as part of the Tropic of Oregon and is totally sustainable. She even has a store of 10,000 year old Bear-Guano, it’s 0-4-0 and never burns the elephants’ delicate tushies. She sold sinking debentures to Bear-Stearns and has cornered the Bear-Stearns-Guano marketplace.

So now, as long as she keeps her spider minions at her bidding all she has to do is drive her latest boy-toy over to his auditions or classes or such. Everybody else takes the Bear-Spinner elevator.

Me: “But what about the spiders? How does she do it? What’s her secret?”

S: “She has the big ones manage the little ones. The littlest ones are excellent to clean off the mites from the green elephants.

She said she figured it out after a shower. The hot air from her hair drier sent a spider on the run. She experimented and has found all these bug’s acupressure points and how to use them.

I have even seen her stand up on the back of two of those big bugs, wiggle her feet somehow and they will lift her up. She kind of roller skates up and down the branches. Very sexy. Her boy-toys love it. She says it’s great for back problems too.”