Mooning the Squirrels
Squirrels are moving slower. They are less spooky — maybe the blue jays have been banished from their realm and squirrels are at peace. They are certainly fatter and climb in spurts. Southwick says they are reading the phase of the moon. As a species, they have had Mama Nature’s rewards and punishments drilled into their DNA. And Mother Nature tends to live a very long time. Centuries? Longer? And there is no operating manual for Mother Nature.
It’s like that when Mother Nature moons thesquirrels.
I am having to endure one of the… NO! –THEchief problem of life in Portland – It’s the espresso. Gritty Crema. The baristas are battling evil forces.
Even at the hallowed street-stands of the barista Seriphim:
Um, Pfc Southwick RA 18978545, reporting. Uh, Ma’am, the crema crunches slightly. Is the espresso machine working properly?
Seriphim: You numba 10 GI! No machine! You look. See — Now Cold, 1 person, 2 person, hot, cold, hot, cold. Alla time I watch, look, touch here, move here. You wait, I fix.
Pfc Southwick: Isn’t there a manual for the machine?
Seriphim: No manual. You go way! Hot, cold Harvest. Now rain. Squirrel fat. You bik? I kakadao you no bik. I give you sock-mao eye you no bik. You bam-a-lam con di-ay! I kakadao you numba 10 GI! You wait, I fix. Now rain. Moon Phase.
Pfc Southwick: Yes, Ma’am.
A few moments later:
Seriphim: How is this one, Sir?
Senator Southwick: Well, I do believe this crema surpasses all possible substances ever enjoyed by a Greek God.
Seriphim: So what was all that kakadao stuff? I don’t talk like that.
Senator Southwick: Ma’am, telling the Pfc that you know your own job means you have to talk the Pfc’s language — He has a lot to learn.
Even this very day, one of my friends says he was at work till 3AM with a cranky cyclotron. I ask him if it is working properly. He says there’s no manual or anything for the gadget. It’s day to day operation is different: The plasma do-whatchis mingles with the ramisfristor, and the system reacts to solar flares, football games and even moon phases. He just jiggers all the controls it until it goes. He knows how to baby a cranky cyclotron.
His bodyguard spoke up: “He is the only one who knows how do operate one of these things. You can only learn by experience. It takes years. That’s why the company pays me to protect him.”
I always wondered why he has a bodyguard every time I see him.
Southwick exploded with his usual entrance. Moon! The Moon! It’s all the Phase of the moon! We need a user’s manual for appliances run by Mother Nature!
Here is Southwick’s manual as translated from theHarry Belafonte:
Hi, seeker and nature worker — Om Nama Shivaya.
Please find enclosed your moon guide instruction manual — guaranteed to work with all nature systems. Lower your third intestinal toady as you greet each new day. You will instantly be filled with ArchAngel Gabriel’s toothpicks to activate your DNA. As soon as your DNA is completely activated, you will no longer need this manual.
1) Pay attention to stuff. Do it as part of 2 − 9. Especially 9.
2) notice patterns. Like whether squirrels are fat and the cyclotron spokes are wobbly or the machine goes ge-ge-ge instead of je-je-je.
3) listen to other people who might know
4) learn from somebody.
5) do something.
6) if something works, do the same thing again, mostly.
7) if something doesn’t work, go back to what did work.
8) if that didn’t work try experiment, then go back to 1.
9) Turn it off for a while if you can. Leave it off for a good long time, too.
10) always do #1 - otherwise the universe may blow up. Never turn your back on the universe. Except in your sleep. Then you are protected by the Sensory Input Squad who will do their best to wake you up if something important happens.
Hey, I hope this helps all you barista’s be able to moon the squirrels. The crema will thank you. I will thank you.