Squirrel Tag
This year is the year of the rodent. The squirrel, that is. We got more squirrels than working cars in St. John’s. As rodents go, they got at least one thing going for ‘em – the tail.
I have been envious of the squirrels’ tails. Big, fluffy. Fits with my PNW color scheme. A fashion statement. Crazy PNW guy should have crazy sustainable local fur.
The trouble is, I can only claim the prize if I fight the squirrel in mano-a-mano combat. No rules, save good respect for a noble enemy. I will get your tail. Know that, sucka!
We have so many squirrels that the neighborhood hawks have installed a “take-a-number” system to maintain sustainability. I am human so I bump myself to the front of the line: fuck your accountant’s rules, Mr. Hawk!
As for the squirrel, I plan on appealing to the little bozo’s greed. Maybe training the squirrel to find a choice morsel in a certain place at a certain time, then waiting with a baseball bat behind a squirrel-blind. That seems like a good strategy. Me. The squirrel. The prize. And the stick. I think Clint Eastwood might approve, except Clint would have me lose the squirrel-blind and hide behind a manly smile.
Clint, you got me there. Hiding behind a blind isn’t manly, but it is sustainable. As I ponder the spiritual implications, the TV cuts in with an infomercial:
“Are you plagued by squirrels?? Play Squirrel Tag! Shortly, we will be outfitting all the squirrels’ in your district with non-removable solar powered laser tag suits. A direct hit will scare the bejesus out of the little mofo. He won’t be around YOUR yard anytime soon.
The Squirrel Tag package is only $85 with a monthly fee of 9.95. Imagine a whole year of fun training your squirrels in a humane, sustainable way. We install, maintain and recycle the squirrel suits using our GPS technology.”
I’m entranced. But what about the tail? I call the 800 number: A voice says: “Hi, I’m Bob, we are very, very fine here, how are you, sir? May I call you Mr. 503-453-9999?”
I answer: “Um, my name is Jim, but what about the squirrels? Do I get the tail?”
The voice responds: “Oh, my yes, Mr. Jim 453- 9999, we have squirrel… Yes, squirrel… Yes, here it is, squirrel tag. Are you ready to tell us your Visa Number? or would you like to know about how you can profit from the squirrel explosion in (mechanical voice cuts in) Malibu District, St. John’s, Portland, Oregon 97203,USA. (Bob’s voice cuts back in) is that right Mr. Jim 9999?”
I respond a bit sheepishly from Bob’s knowing so much about where I live. “Um. I’m interested in squirrel tails? Do I get to keep the tail?”
The voice on the other side sputters a bit. Bob is a bit uncomfortable with my question: “Oh, no, sir, our package is totally sustainable. We do not hurt squirrels. It is against ahimsa.”
I’m pushing a bit: “But you said I could Zap the little mofo’s.”
Bob replied: “Our suits deliver micro-shocks to the Solar Epidermal Layer of the Lower Plexus. It is totally safe, and I have done it many times. And let me tell you, I would not be never be stealing any nuts from anyone soon. Oh, my, yes. You won’t believe it until you have tried it, sir: totally safe it is, yes.”
I’m flashing on his statement: “I have done it many times…,” “believe it till I’ve tried it?” Is he reading this from some prepared spiel?
I am a bit flustered: “No, I want to catch the little buggers.”
Bob’s voice brightens up noticeably on the other side. “Ah! Mr. Sir Jim 9999! My very best friend! Have you not heard about our most excellent “local service provider” network? I can have you set as our (mechanical voice cuts in) Malibu District, St. John’s, Portland, Oregon 97203 USA (Bob’s voice cuts back in) local service provider!”
I’m interested: “What do I do? What’s in it for me?”
Bob says: “We supply you with squirrel suits which you will put on each squirrel. You will receive many cents each time a squirrel is hit with a laser. How many squirrel suits would you like? 100? 500? Many of our local representatives would wish they had 10,000 suits.”
I’m slightly interested: “Is it easy to put the suit on? Put the suit on the squirrel, that is.”
Bob says: “We have a tutorial DVD that explains everything. After you pay for your first 100 suits, we will send it out to you for only shipping charges and handling expansions.”
My suspicions are aroused: “100 suits?”
Bob replies: “Oh, thank goodness! you want 100 suits! Your suits will arrive by feral express by next thursday. Your account has already been charged, but that is such good news for you, Sir Mr. Jim. At almost some cents per zap you can be making profit from abundant squirrel meets you will organize in (mechanical voice cuts in) surrounding area of Malibu District, St. john’s, Portland, Oregon 97203 USA. (Bob’s voice cuts in again) Isn’t that right Mr. Jim Sir? 97203? Or yes?”
I stammer: “Um. 97203. Um. Yes. Um…”
Bob replies: “Thank you for your order. Make sure you keep the tails in good condition: nobody wants to shoot a squirrel that has no tail. ThankYou,CallAgain.” — click
What the hell am I going to do with 100 zapable squirrel suits? And how am I supposed to put them on? And what about the DVD? Jeez, I hope it isn’t another of those crappy tutorials that make you watch until the last 10 seconds for the answer you need.
And the worst part is that I can’t keep the mofo tails.
What should I do???? I would ask Clint Eastwood, but in the time it took me to write this, he caught two squirrels in his teeth, had them skinned, seasoned, stewed and tanned.
He throws their tails at my feet and then he walks off into the sunset.